I hate this game that I'm playing

I had 3 days to memmorize/prepare 3 new songs and a side while I had a friend visiting from out of town for Halloween. I get to the audition on Monday and am asked to sing 1 song and then step out of the room and then sing 1 more. I feel like a jester entertaining his king. I'm told to come back and dance on Wednesday. I find coverage for my Wednesday work shift so that I can go to the callback. I refresh and prep all of my materials and wake up at 6:15am on Wednesday so that I can steam, stretch, and make breakfast. I pack a bag half my body weight with anything I might need for this dance call. I show up and there are only 5 of us. I have hope. We are all kept to see the team again after we dance. My dance clothes are soaked with sweat and I am hungry but I nervous shit all of my breakfast out already and only brought a granola bar and a cucumber with me because I haven't had time to get groceries in a week. I takes almost 2 hours for me to get seen by the team again. I'm the last one to go and they decided they were ready for me while I was in the bathroom (mortifying). I get in the room and they have me sing half a song and perform the side twice. Then they say they don't need anything else from me today. They don't want to take my picture to have on file like they did with the others before me. They almost sprint out of the room to fill their bellies with lunch. I turn the corner to the elevator and ride it down with them to the pits of hell (midtown). I'm not sure whether to say thank you or bye so I smile and wave and catch the A train back uptown. I cry my makeup off as soon as I enter my apartment.

If you're an actor or artist this story probably isn't unfamiliar. We are working so hard with little to no pay off! We work multiple jobs so that we can maybe live the life we've always dreamed of. Now don't get me wrong, I didn't audition for my dream job today. However, it would have given me job security and financial compensation while doing something that I love. I want to quit being a waitress so bad. I want to spend the holidays at home with my family like a normal person. I feel so selfish for choosing this path. My Nana will never understand why I can't come home to eat Thanksgiving dinner with her. My best friend who is now getting a PHD in aerospace engineering will never understand the idea of making hourly even though I took out loans and will continue paying for my college degree for years to come. My mom will never understand how I can call her and beat myself up over the phone about a bad audition and then wake up the next morning and do it all over again.

I had a sad day today. I let myself be sad so that I can move forward tomorrow. It feels so stupid to be so upset about this type of stuff but it's real, it's how I feel. And I'm writing it here.

Let's try again tomorrow.